Wednesday, January 09, 2008

How I spent my Christmas vacation

The few weeks leading up to and just following the Christmas holidays are always the busiest times for general surgeons. Hence, the complete lack of attention to my real job, blogging. Why would this time be busier than others? At the end of the calendar year, patients come out of the woodwork with nagging problems that need attention, but which seem more important as they have met the all important deductible for the year. So, we do a fair number of hernia repairs, cholecystectomies, and the like in December. Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, we tend to see more patients with neglected problems that show up in the ED or in our offices, prompted by concerned family members, who need something done very soon (actually, they needed it some time ago, but now it's a real crisis). And since we also like to have time off at this time of the year, there are fewer of us to go around when we have an increase in patient load.

But by far, the biggest source of increased workload in late December comes from the ED, as patients show up there in droves for the same reason they appear in my office. This year, I was overwhelmed with a bonanza of "gifts" from the ED, so with apologies to the Mackenzie brothers, this version of The Twelve Days of Christmas will give you a little insight into how I spent my Christmas "vacation:"

On the first day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
A case of stinky butt pus

On the second day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the third day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Three GI bleeders
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the fourth day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Four rectal foreign bodies
Three GI bleeders
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the fifth day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Five golden gallstones!
Four rectal foreign bodies
Three GI bleeders
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Six appy's a-rupturing
Five golden gallstones!
Four rectal foreign bodies
Three GI bleeders
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the seventh day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Seven stab wounds a-wailing
Six appy's a-rupturing
Five golden gallstones!
Four rectal foreign bodies
Three GI bleeders
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the eighth day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Eight viscera perforating
Seven stab wounds a-wailing
Six appy's a-rupturing
Five golden gallstones!
Four rectal foreign bodies
Three GI bleeders
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the ninth day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Nine ladies with PID
Eight viscera perforating
Seven stab wounds a-wailing
Six appy's a-rupturing
Five golden gallstones!
Four rectal foreign bodies
Three GI bleeders
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the tenth day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Ten ruptured spleens
Nine ladies with PID
Eight viscera perforating
Seven stab wounds a-wailing
Six appy's a-rupturing
Five golden gallstones!
Four rectal foreign bodies
Three GI bleeders
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Eleven loaded DUIs crashing
Ten ruptured spleens
Nine ladies with PID
Eight viscera perforating
Seven stab wounds a-wailing
Six appy's a-rupturing
Five golden gallstones!
Four rectal foreign bodies
Three GI bleeders
Two drunksicles
And a case of stinky butt pus!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my ED gave to me
Nothing -- because I was finally off call!

On the thirteenth day of Christmas, SWIMBO gave to me, an extremely dry martini!