Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Marching Orders

Well. I've been promoted. Given a raise in pay grade. Get to wear a fancy uniform (great way to get chicks, BTW). Rodger (The Real King of France) has named me Surgeon General of the Barn Army. If you don't quite get what the Barn Army is, check it out.

While taking care of the actual wounded is what I do best, my barebones psychiatric skills may come in handy with this bunch. Best advice I can usually hand out in a psychiatric emergency is "take two martinis and call me in the morning." However, this newly minted position does give me the interesting capability of giving a few marching orders, so here goes:

  • Quit whining.
  • If you're over 50, get a colonoscopy --- and quit whining about it!
  • Work hard -- nothing good ever came from laziness -- and quit whining about it!
  • If you aren't going to take your prescribed medications or follow a physician's recommendations, at least be up front about it --- and don't whine if you have problems because of it!
  • Smile, at everybody. It'll lower your blood pressure, and make everyone else feel better. Those that it doesn't make feel better are probably a little off kilter, so it gives you an idea of who to avoid.
There ya have it. The first in a series of edicts, to be followed strictly and taken with a large helping of NaCl.
At ease. (That means you, too, Richter).