Monday, April 21, 2008

We Don't Speak the Same Lingo

Hello. I'm a Hospital Administrator.













I'm a Doc.












A what? You aren't wearing your photo ID badge --- that's a JCAHO violation! What exactly do you do here?









You know, doctor stuff. Take care of patients, that sort of thing.













Uh, anyway, dude, I haven't met you before --- how long have you been here?













Oh. I just got here 6 months ago myself. Straight from my last 3 year stint at another hospital. Who exactly are you again?













Aggravated DocSurg. I'm a surgeon. I've been here for 15 years, taking care of a big chunk of your patients. Surely you've at least heard of my partners and I since you came here.












........













OK. What is it that you do?














I maximize profit! I integrate the system! I public-key zero administration functionalities! I help develop the innovative dedicated matrix!












Dude?











By utilizing adaptive encompassing functionalities, I hope to develop a business-focused tertiary local area network consisting of a team of associates and providers!








Associates? You mean you are bringing in other hospital systems to work together?













Ho, ho! That's a good one! No, silly, "associates" is a euphemism for employees! We think it makes them feel more valued. Everybody is an associate -- nurses, CNAs, techs, etc. Well, everybody but us. We're administrators. We, well, administrate!









And providers are.....?











You! Don't you feel valued now, Dr. .....?











Billroth, Theodor. Come on, dude. How about this --- I'll feel "valued" if perhaps we can discuss ways to make patient care better here. You know, spend a little dough on things like improving staffing, buy a few new sets of OR instruments, that sort of thing. Maybe even we could talk about how to streamline patient processing, so it doesn't take 2 hours to get someone registered for outpatient surgery and another 2 to get them discharged. That way, I'm happy, the staff is happy, and the patients are happy --- and then you should be happy.





Uh, well, see, that's not what our consultants told us to do. The consultants told us that we needed to focus on improving our food. And that we need to buy another robot. We value their input, Dr. ..... er, what did you say your name was?










DeBakey, Michael E. You know, another robot isn't going to help you with the majority of your patients. How about adding a few new ORs and increasing the number of staff in Admitting to help get folks registered ---- you even had some consultants tell you that!










Well, that's what last year's consultants told us! Ha, what a hoot! You don't expect me to go by last year's consultant report! I just got here 6 months ago!










No offense, but, that's sort of silly. Why spend the money on consultants just to ignore their advice?










So that we can keep hiring them! That way, I'm eventually assured of a job with a consulting firm!

Ooh. Strike that. Wasn't prudent to say, Dr. ......










Halsted, William Stewart. OK. Let's try talking about something else. I think it would be good for the morale of the staff --- sorry, associates --- if they actually saw administrators around in the evenings and weekends every once in a while. You really can't appreciate how hard certain arbitrary rules can make things on the associates until you see the tornado effect of a major trauma in the ED and OR, for example. While I certainly don't claim to be an administrator, I do have some insight into your world from the meetings I attend with you.






Ho, ho! Another good one. You really are a laugh a minute, ...... er, what was your name?











Schweitzer, Albert. Let's try a few simple questions. Why do I and all of your associates have to change our computer passwords every other Thursday and whenever the cafeteria serves pasta for lunch?










JCAHO.












And why are there 6 different versions of the surgical consent form in the hospital, dating back to 1978?











JCAHO.













OK. What is the reasoning behind hiring two new nursing administrators for the ED and GI lab, but decreasing staffing by 15% in the same areas?













JCAHO.













What day is it?













JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA. JCAHO. HIPAA.








Gotcha. Loud and clear. Let me turn on my Bullshit generator and see if it helps......Accelerated policy solutions! Synergize mission-critical networks! Orchestrate enterprise partnerships! Did that help?









Whoo! Thanks! Nothing like a good jolt of industry buzzwords to get me back to myself! JCAHO and HIPAA on the brain, dont' ya know, 24 - 7.











I think it's pretty clear we don't speak the same lingo, 24 - 7. But I'll try one more time. How about a martini?












Gotcha. Loud and clear. Are you buying?